Staying healthy by playing sports and eating well should be an individual’s duty to society rather than a habit for personal benefits. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Some sociologists have regarded people’s healthy habits as their obligation only to the community in which they live in. I do not agree with this viewpoint. In my opinion, being heathy can also offer ourselves lots of advantages.
sociologists: The topic doesn’t mention sociologists so when paraphrasing the question be careful not to stray too far from the topic.
heathy: Wrong spelling ‘healthy’
lots of advantages: Awkward sentence – better expression would be ‘be very advantageous to ourselves’.
It has long been convinced that eating healthily can improve people’s physical well-being. By having a balanced diet, drinking more water and eating more vegetables per day, individuals may gain a better physique. They are more likely to protect themselves against obesity or cardiovascular diseases, which are often caused by overnourishment.
overnourishment: Two words here
At the same time, sports activities benefit people in various ways. Doing individual sports allows citizens to develop their physical persistency and endurance, while competitive sports such as basketball and badminton provide participants an opportunity to meet other people who share the common interests. Thus, exercises help individuals become physically stronger, and make them more confident.
From another perspective, people’s fitness can also do good to the society as a whole. Undoubtedly, some deathful diseases such as SARS and bird’s flu can pose a threat to other residents in a society, and curing those illness may become a financial burden for the society as well. It has been scientifically proven that eating well and working out on a regular basis both contribute to the development of human’s immune system, which is essential in preventing the existence of some spreadable diseases. Therefore, it is also reasonable to conclude staying healthy as the duty of each citizen.
good to the society: Better expression – ‘benefit society’…
as the duty: ‘is the duty’…
Word Count is appropriate.
Task Achievement – Very Good 【Band 7.0】
This response addresses all parts of the task and presents a clear position, however there is no conclusion! To give an overarching statement you need to summarise your essay with a conclusion.
Two sentences is fine but you need to have a final paragraph (unless you ran out of time!)
Very good examples selected.
Coherence & Cohesion – Very Good 【Band 7.0】
Your essay is logically organised with some very good use of cohesive devices. Some parts are not managed as well as other but certainly your sentences connect well.
Lexical Resource – Very Good – Well Done 【Band 7.5】
The vocabulary used in this essay is very good showing some flexibility and precision of meaning. Inaccuracies occur although they do not deter from meaning.
Grammar & Accuracy – Very Good 【Band 7.0】
A good variety of simple and complex structures is shown. Some awkward expressions are written (See comments) however the majority of sentences are error free.